What Not To Expect When Reading This

In case you are somebody I did not strong-arm into reading this, let me explain something to you:

I grew up under the impression that if you want to write for a living, someone will pay you. Silly, right? Well, the truth is that when I was a kid, that was actually true. There were print publications galore before the Internet became more than a fad. Newspapers and magazines were the best way to consistently consume accurate and insightful news (and in my opinion, still are). I even had one professor explain that there used to be a middle class for writers. They would develop a small but consistent following and release novels once or twice a year, receiving an average, steady paycheck.

Now people read more about what the kid they knew in middle school ate for breakfast and watch motivational videos that are mainly meant to inspire ad revenue.

So if I can't get a job writing, I want to at least explore the idea of writing for public consumption instead of academic consumption. Anyway I'm definitely qualified. I:

A. Have a computer with Internet access and

B. Think I'm really funny.

With that being said, I have a few promises of what not to expect from this blog:

1. More pictures than words

It is not in my nature. I made an Instagram a couple of years ago, but don't bother looking because it has a whole whopping three pictures on it. Most photos on my phone are out of either relative necessity (i.e. dressing room shots because I can't buy anything without asking my mom's opinion first) or pure accident (i.e. twenty screenshots of the home screen on my phone from where all I wanted to do was turn it off).

When someone can successfully explain how a twelve-year-old I babysit can take a picture of a desk chair at school and come home with twenty likes, maybe I'll reconsider.

2. Clickbait inspirational videos

A few months ago, a lot of intriguing titles of links started popping up everywhere. Of course I would follow them, thinking I was in store for some sweet story that would brighten my day. Under the sarcasm, I like to see the best in people. But every time I would look, I would find a video. Every. Time.

Videos bother me because I'm paranoid and lazy. Seriously, it's not that I'm too good for them. I just don't want anyone to hear what I'm watching and judge me, but, at the same time, don't want to find headphones or go somewhere more private. If it's not something I can watch silently in a room full of people, you've lost me.

3. Lists on lists on lists

Most twentysomething blogs and websites are compiled entirely of lists. I don't know what started it, and trust me, I'm a sucker for them sometimes. Throw me anything about Parks & Recreation or the nineties, and I'll eat it up. One day I even looked at thirty potatoes that looked a little like Channing Tatum. God, forgive me for I have sinned.

But that's not my style. If I list something out (oh hey, I'm doing it right now), I plan to elaborate. Be prepared. Cue dramatic music and Scar from The Lion King. 

4. Political tirades

We all have that one friend who does nothing but send people and share links to "insightful" and "unbiased" articles from authors whose views are so slanted that I'm surprised they don't have vertigo? Me too.

I do not have the patience to research and provide you accurate information about what is happening in Congress. Why read my bumbling paraphrase when there's Google so you can find the real thing? Politics is something I read about, not write about.

If you are as tired of these things as me, you have come to the right place. Keep up with me while I channel my morning-coffee creativity.